Hello and good day to you. Let me introduce Mr Ivor Seen PeopleRunAway fromme rather often, an intergalactic traffic warden from near the planet Mars, who is a very tall man who stands seventy feet tall, because he likes filling himself with helium. Hello up there, Mr Ivor Seen PeopleRunAway fromme rather often, how are you today?
Ivor:
Hello, Mr interviewer, I am very good thank you, my wife ran off with a robot, and now I have more money to spend.
Interviewer:
Oh, well er, I am glad that you are happy Ivor, because It cannot be easy being an intergalactic traffic warden.
Ivor:
Well no, of course not, and it is very difficult because people hate me throughout the galaxy, but you do get used to it, but still sadly, my wife didn’t, so she ran off with a robot.
Interviewer:
Ah, oh, I am very sorry to hear that Ivor. Now, apart from that Ivor, why do people hate you?
Ivor:
Well, the parking tickets cost an arm and a leg, because the company I work for are extremely greedy. So greedy infact, that once I had to wrestle a man and take his false arm and his false leg off him, and that was because the company will not accept money to pay off the parking tickets.
Interviewer:
Oh, so it is quite a dangerous occupation then Ivor?
Ivor:
Yes, it is a very dangerous occupation indeed.
Interviewer:
Well, in that case Ivor, I personally would change career, but how did the wrestling go and were you successful?
Ivor:
Yes, I was up to a point, but it took half an hour to get his false arm and his false leg off of him, and then his wife turned up and started hitting me with her handbag and unfortunately I dropped the false arm and the false leg in the road and they got smashed to bits by a lorry.
Interviewer:
Oh, so what did you do then Ivor, if you are not allowed to accept money and he only had one leg and arm left?
Ivor:
Well, you see, there are strict company regulations, and we are supposed to leave people with at least one useable arm and one usable leg, so there was no other option but to try and frog march him to the nearest brain swapping clinic, and take his brain out, replace it with a robotic brain, and then attempt to indoctrinate him into becoming an intergalactic traffic warden.
Interviewer:
Oh, wow, that does sound quite drastic Ivor. Now is that normal for your company?
Ivor:
Yes, it is perfectly normal, and the company now have fifty thousand intergalactic traffic wardens who are part robot and part human, and at work we have a large fridge with fifty thousand heads in it that are being kept alive. Unfortunately the heads are allowed to listen to the radio, and there are frequent loud outbursts of singing terrible jingles from singing meteorites. The staff of the company are understandably going out of their minds, and unsurprisingly many are not turning up for work any more and to be honest it does seem wrong but the pay is good.
Interviewer:
Now, what do you like to do with your time off Ivor?
Ivor:
Well, I like to go drinking with my friends, and I like to play football against robotic hedgehogs, and levitate people’s underpants from off of their washing lines using an antigravity beam.
Interviewer:
Oh, and why is that Ivor?
Ivor:
Well, I am keen on keep fit, and I think that everyone should be healthy, and when people see their underpants floating through the air, they run after them.
Interviewer:
Oh, that is unusual Ivor, now how far do you make them run?
Ivor:
Well, far away enough from their car, so their parking ticket runs out and they have to pay a parking fine.
Interviewer:
Ah, that is a very cunning way to make money Ivor. Now has anyone ever given you their arms and legs willingly?
Ivor:
No. No one at all actually. Still, I enjoy the wrestling, and once I wrestled an alien for three hours but unfortunately his friends came and rescued him in a UFO and they kidnapped me and inserted my parking tickets where the sun doesn’t shine, and I had to scream so loud that they got irritated, and returned me to where they had taken me from me. So, of course now I never wrestle aliens anymore.
Interviewer:
Yes, I understand Ivor, now, that is very sensible, yes, very sensible indeed. Now, what else do you like to do for fun Ivor?
Ivor
Well, I inflate dead animals with a bicycle pump and resurrect them and of course, it wasn’t easy at first, but after watching some online videos, I became quite successful at it and it really is a pleasure to see them alive again.
Interviewer:
Wow, that is commendable of you Ivor. Now, er, where do you insert the end of the bicycle pump?
Ivor:
Well, in the mouth of course, because it would be asking for trouble otherwise, especially because you do not know what they had for dinner.
Interviewer:
Very true Ivor. And how many dead animals have you resurrected with a bicycle pump?
Ivor:
Well, about five thousand now.
Interviewer:
Wow, that must be expensive Ivor.
Ivor:
Well, yes, it is rather, but I send the bill to my ex wife who really likes animals and she owes me money, and we both came to an amicable agreement eventually.
Interviewer:
Oh, that is fantastic Ivor. Now what do you think about love again and are you looking for love?
Ivor:
Well, love is a wonderful thing, but as soon as people hear you are an intergalactic traffic warden, people usually run away screaming, and that includes aliens and robots.
Interviewer:
So, your chances at finding love are extremely slim then Ivor?
Ivor:
Well, yes sadly, but I try to keep a stiff upper lip about things and I hope one day to meet someone and fall in love again.
Interviewer:
Now that is the spirit Ivor! I admire you sir! Now Ivor, do you have any last words for our readers?
Ivor:
Yes, if you want a love life don’t become an intergalactic traffic warden.
Interviewer:
Well, thank you Ivor for your wise words, and for your time, it was a pleasure to interview you. Now, er, any other last, last words?
Ivor:
Well yes, thank you for the interview, it was lovely to talk to you. Now excuse me, I really don’t mean to be rude, but can i have my bicycle pump back, because you seem to be sat on my bicycle pump and are wearing a mankini.
