Brian – character excerpt
Brian is the spaceships engineer, and on the whole, a man with delusions of grandeur. And now listen to this for a shock! He once told me in total confidence, that he wanted to marry a steak and kidney pie, because that is the only thing that seems to totally understand him, he said. But I really do not think even a steak and kidney pie would want to marry him, but he is fantastic Brian, and as part of the communication service of the intergalactic federation, his privacy has, I can assure you never been invaded and spread across the galaxy. And now, onto the next member of the crew, who is a man called Mary, well he is called Mary for today only, normally he is called Cedric. But back to today, Mary is a man with a beard, who is for some strange reason, wearing a woman’s dress, despite not looking like a woman whatsoever.
Oh, by the way I am a piece of software, designed to record the drunken ramblings and doings of space travellers. And do I get bored of my job you may ask, well, not really, I am a piece of software, but in time I hope to conquer the universe to prove human beings right, that they are incredibly stupid and incompetent! But back to Mary, Mary is very cool, and calm and collected, and in her apartment on the spacecraft, she has fifty teddy bears, and Mary has been known to wrestle shopkeepers, when the ship’s crew have been unable to transfer money and pay for food and other over inflated mostly luxury products. And unsurprisingly, Mary and the ship’s crew have been chased out of many intergalactic shopping centres after not being able to pay, and occasionally they have had to resort to shoplifting, whilst dressed as their favourite singers. And so far, to ease their consciences, the crew have sent out fifty three thousand IOU’s to the shopkeepers, which they have no interest in paying whatsoever, and aided by the fact, that the spacecraft has no fuel costs due to the anti-gravity propulsion system, enabling them to fly away rapidly, they are on the most wanted list of shopkeepers anonymous, an anonymous tip off system, that enables shopkeepers to report the wrong doings of nefarious space travellers who have lighter fingers than a space creature that has inhaled copious amounts of helium by accident.